


Avengers, You've Been Chopped (10 Drabbles)

by AmericasAsset



Series: Ten Drabbles at a Time [2]
Category: Ant-Man (Movies), Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: And grows his own basil, Clint can't be trusted with a quinjet, Drabble Sequence, Fluff and Humor, Food Network - Freeform, Food Poisoning, Gen, Not Canon Compliant, Steve freaks out about rose water
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 00:23:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20648153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmericasAsset/pseuds/AmericasAsset
Summary: Bucky nodded. “Last night Steve had a nightmare that Alex Guarneschelli told him he’d been cooking potatoes wrong his whole life and took his cast iron skillet away. Never did get back to sleep.”





	Avengers, You've Been Chopped (10 Drabbles)

**Author's Note:**

> More drabbles about how the Avengers can’t be trusted to have TV obsessions. This certainly won’t be the last...

“How is there a whole channel about food?” 

“What part of the concept is tripping you up?” Sam looked at Steve like there couldn’t possibly be anything weird about that.

“It’s food, Sam. There can’t possibly be that much to say about it.”

“It’s mostly cooking competitions.”

“Why is everything a competition now?” whined Steve. “It’s just food!”

Clint appeared seemingly out of nowhere. “You’ve clearly never watched anyone try to beat Bobby Flay.”

Sam shoved Steve in the direction of the TV. “Come on, old man. I think Kids Baking Championship is on. You’ll love it.”

“There are championships?!?”

-*-*-*-

Bucky stood in the doorway and watched Steve watch TV. 

“How is there a whole channel about food?”

Steve chuckled. “I asked the exact same thing. It’s mostly cooking competition shows.”

“Competition? What, like who can make the most? Who’s the fastest?”

“Experts eat the food and judge it.”

“People get paid to eat food?” On screen, people in blue and red aprons took notes as someone butchered a chicken. “What’s this one?”

“This is Worst Cooks in America.” Steve patted the couch cushion. “Come on. It’s funny and educational.”

Bucky plopped down with a sigh. “The future is weird.”

-*-*-*-

“Oh, my God. How long have you all been drinking?” 

Steve, the only sober Avenger in the room, had never seen Pepper look quite so disappointed.

“It’s a marathon,” slurred Tony, and Tony slurring was a sure sign this had gotten way out of control. “Beat Bobby Flay.”

“They bet shots on who will make it to the second round and if they’ll beat Bobby,” explained Steve, like this was all perfectly logical.

Sam fell off the couch. “It’s Thai food! I bet three shots Bobby’s gonna looooooose!”

Pepper sighed. “If the world could see it’s ‘mightiest heroes’ right now...”

-*-*-*-

“Cooking? Come on, there’s a good movie on!” whined Scott. At least the aliens show had only been a Friday night thing. 

“Which movie?” asked Clint.

“From Russia With Love.”

Natasha and Bucky both shot pointed looks in Scott’s direction.

He only barely flinched. “Classic James Bond! Come on. You guys don’t even cook.”

“Maybe I’d side with you if it was Goldfinger. And if we weren’t watching Triple G,” said Clint. “He’s gonna make ‘em use the little carts, I bet ten bucks.” 

“Twenty bucks he lets them go but does a red light special,” says Steve.

“You’re on.”

-*-*-*-

The kitchen echoed with the sound of blades against wood.

“Barnes has her on quantity, hands down,” said Rhodey, his voice almost a whisper.

“Maybe, but consistency is a factor,” replied Clint. “Speed isn’t everything.”

“Fifteen seconds!” called Bruce, eye on the timer.

The chopping noises grew even more furious.

The timer beeped. Natasha and Bucky stepped away from the cutting boards. 

“No, Rogers, put the scale down. You’re biased,” said Nat. “Rhodey should do the weigh in.”

“I only needed a cup of diced onions,” sighed Wanda from the back of the room. “Can I please finish cooking now?”

-*-*-*-

After five minutes of Steve noisily rifling through the kitchen, Bucky had had enough. “Is something wrong in there?”

“We don’t have enough knives.” Steve slammed a drawer, which Bucky thought wasn’t possible. Drawers which slowly and silently ease themselves shut was one of his favorite things about the future. “We need a full set. Alton Brown said...”

“Yeah, that’s what I’ve been saying, too. More knives.”

Steve appeared in the doorway wearing an Iron Chef apron. “I mean chef’s knives.”

Bucky shrugged. “I’m not picky.”

“Not tactical knives.”

“Anything’s tactical if you know what you’re doing, Stevie.”

“No, Bucky...”

-*-*-*-

Sam sidled up to Natasha, following her gaze to the conference room down the hall.

“What’s Fury so pissed off about?”

She smirked. “Quinjets are not to be used for food-themed recreational outings.”

“Don’t tell me Barton managed to get caught.”

“Red handed. Literally. I hear there was barbecue sauce all over the controls.”

“I thought Tic Tac went with him.”

The conference room door banged open and a suitably contrite-looking Clint stomped past, Scott in tow. 

“Aw, does this mean next week’s Triple D Fried Seafood Extravaganza is canceled?”

“Fuck off, Natasha.”

She laughed. “You promised me fresh calamari!”

-*-*-*-

“You okay, pal?” Bucky didn’t like the panicked look in Steve’s eyes.

“The Barefoot Contessa says if I can’t make my own rose water, it’s fine to use store bought. But someone on Cupcake Wars said that the bottled stuff tastes too perfumey. But then Alton Brown says not to make rose water out of roses that aren’t organically grown, and I don’t think the florists around here know enough about where their roses come from to guarantee that I’m not going to get tainted rose petals, and...”

“Wait, Steve, hold on a second. What the fuck is rose water?”

-*-*-*-

“What’s to complain about?” Clint bit into another lemon basil mini muffin (courtesy of Steve, using basil he grew on his own windowsill). 

“The kitchen is constantly filthy,” said Pepper.

“Scott burned himself trying to do that pan flip thing. And almost cut his finger off,” added Bruce. “Twice.”

Bucky nodded. “Last night Steve had a nightmare that Alex Guarneschelli told him he’d been cooking potatoes wrong his whole life and took his cast iron skillet away. Never did get back to sleep.”

“Hey, at least now we know who here is allergic to shellfish,” said Clint. “That’s good, right?”

-*-*-*-

“Where is everyone?” Thor looked around, clearly worried about the lack of activity. Only Vision and Wanda were there, curled up on the couch.

“Most everyone has been affected by a foodborne illness,” said Vision. 

“All of the Avengers have fallen ill? Were they poisoned?” 

Wanda chuckled. “I told them it was a bad idea to use the leftovers in the fridge as a mandatory ingredient for their cooking competition. That fried rice was a week old, at least. In the end, I think they all got ‘chopped’.”

Vision smiled. “On the positive side, it’s been pleasantly quiet all day.”

**Author's Note:**

> Next time, HGTV?

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